Pizza Rant

Something that has been on my mind since I started pursuing the keto lifestyle — Pizza

I’m a real pizza snob and I shudder to think of most of the things the world is passing off as pizza. I’m a traditionalist — in most ways. Mainly when it comes to toppings — I prefer plain old Italian sausage, and lots of it. In fact, I can be pretty unbearable when a restaurant skimps on the sausage.

And cheese — plain ole Mozarella is best (although I can endure many others). But no goat cheese, please.

Fruit does not belong on a pizza — period. Especially pineapple. I can barely countenance ham — and as soon as ham appears on a pizza, most people bring on the pineapple. Chicken — because it will always be white meat, which I detest. And then it has to be barbecue chicken or buffalo chicken. Why? California is the land of oddball pizza — boutique pizza. Gourmet pizza.
Yeccchhh!

In 1980, Ed LaDou (the “Prince of Pizza”) served a monstrosity involving mustard, ricotta, pâté and red pepper to a customer who turned out to be another chef — Wolfgang Puck. Of all the Pucking Luck! This started the trend of “anything goes.” As long as it’s on a crust and is cooked, it could be classified as pizza — by anyone other than me.

Two words that make me shudder — Duck Sausage. By themselves, each ingredient is wonderful. But the sausage on a pizza better not be made from a duck.

Seafood is another untouchable. I know of the long, venerated tradition of anchovies. But I would never eat anchovy pizza unless I were tied to a chair by a SPECTRE torturer and forcibly fed. Yet scallops, lobster, even caviar (roe) appear on exotic pizzas. I think the smell alone would drive me screaming from the restaurant.

Now that I’ve cleared the air, I will tell you of one recent development that I finally tried — and loved.

Cauliflower crust.

I decided to make crustless-pizza to avoid carbs. It’s basically a sheet of cheese with sausage bits and the Italian spices — Oregano, basil, fennel seed, and of course lots of garlic and onion. The melted cheese congeals into a crust and — let’s face it — the spices and sausage make it honest.

But I’d always eaten cauliflower. Not so much because I enjoyed it, but at least it didn’t turn me off. Mashed cauliflower with butter and garlic salt became an acceptable side dish to get away from mashed potatoes.

Why not a cauliflower crust? I thought about it a lot. And then, a couple of weeks ago, as I was crossing a parking lot and passing by a Pieology restaurant, I hailed a worker who was hauling out some boxes to the dumpster and asked if they had such a pizza. He said yes, and it was so popular they had sold out that very day.

So a little later and farther away, I decided to order from them. Pieology has a make-your-own pizza that allowed me to put on the things I like and leave off the things I didn’t.

One of my breaks with tradition — I don’t like tomato sauce. I always get a “white” pizza. Sometimes that is a garlic sause, sometimes Alfredo. I prefer the latter, but would love to have both at the same time. Pieology had a 3-cheese Alfredo that fit the bill, so I got all the non-spiced meats (sausage, Canadian bacon, regular bacon, and salami. Yes — salami — I was really reaching out there!

The delivery was quick and efficient — about ten minutes earlier than promised. And the pie was worth not-waiting for.

If you want to test the field (assuming you are as backward as me and haven’t made the step to cauliflower) you can find crusts in the supermarket. If you want the pros to prepare the food, try Jet’s, Mod, and California Pizza Kitchen — and of course Pieology.

One last thing — I don’t really consider pizza as health food, but if you have to convince a spouse or your children, you can always say that it is high in fiber, choline, and antioxidants.

Maybe I’m evolving — but even my Jewish wife would never eat the so-called “Jewish pizza”, a pizza dough first cooked then topped with smoked salmon, crème fraîche, capers, and dill.

Yeccchhh!