One of my FBF called my attention to the news that Justin Bieber challenged Tom Cruise to a fight. I thought that pretty weird, so I had to investigate.
My first thought was that — if true — Tom could probably whip Justy even though their age difference is so vast. After all, I’ve seen nearly all the “Mission Impossible” movies.
My second thought was, “Why?” Did the Beebs think Tom stole his girl? Maybe they had a religious debate. I still haven’t solved that one.
But the weird and wild thing was that this dispute (if it is even true) has inspired one of those crazy viral internet sensations. Remember when people would dump a bucket of ice water over their head on video as a way of promoting awareness about ALS (a.k.a. Lou Gehrig’s disease)?
A bunch of people did this, and as far as I know, we haven’t made any progress against ALS.
It seems that since Cruise is 31 years older than Bieber, Twitter users are now issuing challenges to actors 31 years older than themselves. As far as I understand it, this is FANTASY fighting. If anyone tries to attack a celebrity, they may have a rude awakening after the Kardashian or Rhianna bodyguards get done with them.
Of course, I’m not going to be involved in this childish fad. First of all, most of the people 31 years older than me are deceased.
Wait a minute … ummmm … hold on … I may be the victim here!
Oh no! (or OMG to the emoji crowd)!!! There may be hoards of 31 year younger people stalking me at this very moment!
What will I do? I don’t even have bodyguards.
I’m the harmless, peaceful type. I’ve never been in a fight in my life. This could be a disaster.
Who are my potential attackers? And are any of them a threat?
Let’s see —
There’s Rachel Bloom, that famously Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. She could club me with her Golden Globe Award for Best Actress. I watched her show and she never violently flipped out, but maybe they were pressured by sponsors to keep the violence out of it. The character, at least, was a Borderline Personality Disorder, and maybe had other heavy problems.
He may be in England, but I haven’t check up on Tom Felton for a while. You remember that evil Draco Malfoy from the Harry Potter films? He was convincing enough to win the MTV Movie Awards for Best Villain. Maybe he wasn’t just acting?
Then there’s Ellen Page, that Canadian actress who won everyone’s heart in “Juno” — but then she kicked some major booty as Kitty Pryde in the X-Men. You know how angry those X-Men (and women) can get. Major disruption and destruction. The only secret power I have is making people get in my way when I’m driving or trying to walk through WalMart.
Now, you’d think that Blake Lively would be above some shallow fight challenge — but remember, this Gossip Girl is married to Ryan Reynolds who plays the crazy killing machine Deadpool. If she even hinted that she would like to see me taken out, I don’t think her hubby could let her down. (I don’t think the fact that Deadpool’s secret identity is Wade Wilson would be enough to call off the vicious attack on me, just because we have similar names.)
Kevin Jonas is one of the Jonas Brothers, and could easily be jealous of me as a fellow songwriter and singer (I’m no threat to him as a guitarist). His brother Nick plays a Mixed Martial Artist in his TV series “Kingdom” so he could possibly call down a gang of ninja attackers on me. It could happen!
Not so for Darren Criss, who shot to fame in Glee and is a proven successful singer. But he also won Emmy and Golden Globe acting awards for his leading role in The Assassination of Gianni Versace on American Crime Story last year. I mean, once you play a psycho killer, can you go back? Maybe he’s one of those method actors who doesn’t break character — even a year after the job is over.
Likewise Zac Efron, who may seem harmless and likable after you’ve enjoyed his acting in High School Musical (Disney channel, no less), and Hairspray. But then he turns into Wicked Evil Vile mass murderer Ted Bundy! Not only a vicious killer but one of the most brillliant psychos in history.
And you may think that Evan Rachel Wood is beautiful and a talented, actress & model — but remember her past with Marilyn Manson. Maybe she’s been hypnotized by the strange singer and spots potential victims for him.
Another Disney alum, Hillary Duff, (AKA Lizzie McGuire) may be an actress, singer and songwriter but has she had a hit song or a TV show or movie lately? Maybe an unprovoked attack on an out-of-shape incipient senior citizen would give her a big publicity boost.
But my biggest fear is — Ronda Rousey. You know who I mean — she was champion in both the UFC and WWE, competed in the Olympics in judo, and is one of the most notorious mixed martial artists in history. When she starts kicking, she doesn’t stop at the booty. She could kick me in places I don’t even know I have. And to paraphrase Billy Jack, “There’s not a dammm thing I’m gonna be able to do about it.”
So you see — my future looks pretty bleak. I beg of you — send your thoughts and prayers if that is what you believe in. Maybe send the National Guard if you think it would respond to me.
But I just hope Justin Bieber can live with the consequences of his challenge to Tom Cruise.
(CUE: Mission Impossible Theme Music)
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